


If You Were Ace

by cxr



Category: Avenue Q - Lopez/Marx
Genre: Asexuality, Gen, Song Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-05
Updated: 2018-08-05
Packaged: 2019-06-22 11:18:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15580794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cxr/pseuds/cxr
Summary: In which Rod is ace, not gay, but Nicky accepts him anyway.





	If You Were Ace

ROD  
Aah, an afternoon alone with  
My favorite book, "Broadway  
Recipes of the 1940s."  
No roommate to bother me.  
How could it get any better than this?

NICKY  
Oh, hi Rod!

ROD  
Hi Nicky.

NICKY  
Hey Rod, you'll never  
Guess what happened to  
Me on the subway this morning.  
This guy had a magazine ad with hot guys and babes

ROD  
That's very interesting.

NICKY  
But he was frowning real badly  
And muttering how attraction made no sense to him.  
I think he might be ace!

ROD  
Ahem, so, uh, why are you telling me this?  
Why should I care?  
I don't care.  
What did you have for lunch today?

NICKY  
Oh, you don't have to get  
All defensive about it, Rod...

ROD  
I'm NOT getting defensive!  
What do I care about some ace guy you met, okay?  
I'm trying to read.

NICKY  
Oh, I didn't mean anything by it, Rod.  
I just think it's something we should be able to talk about.

ROD  
I don't want to talk about it,  
Nicky! This conversation is over!!!

NICKY  
Yeah, but...

ROD  
OVER!!!

NICKY  
Well, okay, but just so you know —

(begins singing)

If you were ace,  
Don’t hide your face  
Because this place  
Is a welcoming space  
Because you see  
If it were me  
I would be unfazed  
To say that I was ace  
(But I’m not ace)

ROD  
Nicky, please!  
I am trying to read....  
What?!

NICKY  
If you were queer,

ROD  
Ah, Nicky!

NICKY  
I’d still be here

ROD  
Nicky, I'm trying to read this book.

NICKY  
Year after year

ROD  
Nicky!

NICKY  
Because you’re dear to me

ROD  
Argh!

NICKY  
And I know that you 

ROD  
What?

NICKY  
Would accept me too

ROD  
I would?

NICKY  
If it were the case  
That I was ace  
(But I’m not ace)

I’m happy  
Just being with you

ROD  
(Reading from book)  
Banana cake, oat muffins

NICKY  
So what should it matter to me  
Who or what you do in bed?

ROD  
Nicky, that's gross!

NICKY  
No it's not!

If you were ace  
We’d still be baes!

ROD  
I am not listening!

NICKY  
Let’s go run a race

ROD  
La la la la la!

NICKY  
Or simply watch cows graze

ROD  
Aaaah!

NICKY  
You can count on me  
To always be  
In your life’s every phase  
With an understanding gaze  
That you aren’t a nutcase  
For it’s the case  
It’s not a passing craze  
You’re ace

ROD  
BUT I'M NOT ACE!

NICKY  
If you were ace.

ROD  
Argh!

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by https://www.reddit.com/r/asexuality/comments/7jpgli/if_you_were_ace/


End file.
